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  Di rumah itu jendela-jendela hanya menghadap satu arah. Katanya, begitulah cara cahaya masuk. Aku belajar menelan pertanyaan tanpa mengunyahnya terlalu lama. Beberapa hal memang tidak boleh tinggal di mulut. Tapi simpan saja semuanya di bawah lidah, sampai larut menjadi mimpi buruk. Aneh ya?  Bagaimana takut bisa berpakaian seperti kasih sayang. Aku pernah berusaha percaya bahwa kandang juga bisa disebut rumah . Tapi sesuatu di dalam terus membentur dinding seperti hewan kecil yang samar-samar masih ingat cara kerja hutan. Dan ketika akhirnya aku mencoba bernapas, mereka pembangkangan .

Something from behind keeps covering my mouth right before the important parts. Not violently. More like a parent fixing a child’s collar before guests arrive. I keep hearing movement upstairs despite living alone. Chairs slightly pulled out. A glass misplaced by an inch. Thoughts returning with fingerprints that aren’t mine. Sometimes I’ll form a sentence and suddenly feel watched by it. As if somewhere behind my eyes, a small committee is shaking their heads without speaking. It’s strange— how certain truths rot untouched, like fruit left in a locked drawer, sweetening the entire room while nobody admits there’s anything there at all. 

It began so quietly, I almost mistook it for coincidence. Familiar echoes. Recurring shapes. The unbearable comfort of “again.” ​Then came the slow realization of something learning me too well. A weight in the air; a silence that no longer felt empty, only occupied. ​I should have left earlier— before the void began wearing my outline, before “alone” started feeling observed. ​So I tried to remove it carefully, like undoing something that had already grown beneath the skin. I erased the traces, swallowed the names, locked every entrance I could find. ​Still, some nights, the dark shifts around me strangely. Not a touch. Not a sound. Just the feeling that something remembers me, even now. ​And the cruelest part— if I remove the last thing that still answers, I can no longer tell whether I am finally leaving it behind, …or becoming the space it left behind instead.